West Wingin' It
by RedAlert98
Summary: Wally brings Dick along to a visit to a nursing home...based on true personal experiences! No real names were used, just REAL quotes :) Humor, Friendship. Bombs away! Rated T for swearing and mature themes


"So what am I exactly supposed to do?" Dick anxiously asked Wally, quickening his pace to keep up.

"Honestly man, just wing it," Wally advised, grinning as he held open the entrance door for Dick.

Wally had told stories about volunteering/visiting at the local nursing home; wild, crazy, and hysterical stuff that goes on during his every other weekly visits.

"Walls, I don't even know any of these people -" Dick hissed at him, strangely nervous about this.

"Dude, its not like I'm related to anyone here either, just relax - you might end up meeting some of the greatest people you've even met in your life. It'll be fun, promise!"

"Hey, Cecilia!" Wally greeted a middle aged desk clerk, who flashed him a warm smile.

"Wallace, nice to see you - and who's this young man?"

"Friend I volunteered to come and volunteer with me, just wanted to sign in under guest book real quick before we head down to West."

While they scribbled their names down, Wally added in an undertone, "Plus, a ton of the CNA's are high schoolers and college girls..."

Dick gave him an exasperated look and Wally winked, then led the way.

As they passed hurried looking employees and, residents with wheelchairs or walkers accompanied by family, Dick said, "Where are we going?"

"West wing, dementia unit," Wally answered while waving to a nurse before she disappeared behind a corner.

"Dementia...?"

"Aaand here we are!" he announced, pushing open two double doors...a cat slipped in the open doorway with them.

"Oh, that Annabelle."

The hallway was shaped into a L and lined with rooms on each side. Some of the resident were sitting in the hallway or at the end of the hall at the nurses station, while others were propelling themselves with their wheelchair. Call lights were lit up and beeping, an alarm was going off on the far end, and in one of the rooms, and an elderly woman's voice in one of the rooms was yelling, "I want UP! UP upupupupupup UP!", and a young girl replied, "Helga, you just told me to lay you down,"

"Ohhhh get me uuuuuuuup!"

"I am, Helga, please lift up your foot..."

One of the little old ladies, using her feet to shuffle up to them, asked Wally, "Honey, have you seen my husband, he hasn't been home and I don't know where he is or who to call..."

"I'm sorry Blair, I haven't seen him, but if I do I promise to tell you immediatly, okay?" Wally placated. Blair had smooth white hair, cut a few inches below the ears, and blue eyes blue enough to rival Dick's.

"Alright...thanks honey. Damn him!" she replied, then shuffled back towards the nursing station.

In a low voice, Wally mumbled, "Her husband passed away years ago, she thinks hes out cheating on her. Fake it till you make it, man."

As they kept walking they went past a man in a wheelchair, simply staring straight ahead. Suddenly he said, "Thats a cat."

"There's a _cat_ in here," he flatly stated.

"Get out of here, cat. Go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go!"

"Hang on, Eric," Wally said, stifling laughter; he used his foot to push the cat out of the man's line of sight. Dick gave him a reproachful look.

"Be NICE to Annabelle."

"Wally!" A girl, probably 17, enthusiastically greeted, tucking a wayward strand of hair behind her ear.

"Tracy!" Wally replied, but before she could say anything else, an alarm went off and she ran to get it.

"What is that noise?" Dick asked,

"A fall risk resident is trying to stand up or transfer by themself. They sit on a pressure alarm."

"Oh."

Wally started greeting the residents, whether they would, could, or did greet him back or not.

A tall, thin woman with a russian accent, the nurse Dick presumed, was trying to give Blair medication nearby; the problem was, Blair wouldn't stop talking long enough to take it. The little old gal was currently laughing, and had the nurse doing so as well. "Blair, I have a cookie for you if you take your stomach medicine..."

Blair laughed and replied, "You know honey, I'd say food is my best friend, but it isnt, it's sex!"

The nurse hung her head at this, her shoulders shaking from laughter that she tried to muffle.

A tall, frail woman in her 50's or so then walked past Dick, looking at him kind of...off.

"Hi Bonnie!" Wally greeted cheerfully.

She gave a half-wave, smiled and let out a string of gibberish and disconnected syllables.

"She has a degenerative brain disease. Its heartbreaking." Wally whispered.

Bonnie fiddled with the sleeve of Wally's shirt, then looked at Dick again. Not breaking eye contact, she slowly reached over until her arm was completely extended...and, with her finger shaking a slight bit, lightly booped him on the nose.

Tracy, who had returned, Wally, and the nurse all started busting up, while Dick stood there in bewilderment. Tracy gave Bonnie a hug, and led her to the couch.

"Wally, who's this?" Tracy asked, grinning at the both of them. While Wally started introducing them, a tiny, tiny little woman in a wheelchair navigated her way over to Dick.

"Well, I made it!" She informed him. Wally told him her name was Cathy.

"Um, you sure did!" Dick told her, smiling.

"Would you like to go for a ride?" she asked, while Wally nodded at Dick to say 'yes'.

"That sounds fun, Cathy!" Dick replied.

"Okay, you'll have to get in the back," she said, and not knowing what else to do, Dick just went and stood behind the wheelchair.

"You ready?"

"Yep, I'm ready."

She started propelling herself along, oh so slowly, and he walked right behind her...Dick looked out a window at the end of the hall, and made a comment about the lovely weather.

"I'll pull up beside it so you can look outside," she told him.

They sat there for several minutes, making small talk about what they saw outside.

Dick heard a woman in the Dining room yelling, "Drink the milk! _Cooooooold_ milk!" and noticed Wally and Blair coming his way.

"Honey do you have a girlfriend?" Blair asked Wally, who told her no. "Well here's what we'll do, you go get a pen and paper, and we'll write something up and put an ad in the paper!" she teased, and Wally just shook his head and laughed.

Another CNA, like Tracy, wheeled a woman out of a room right next to Dick. "Hey Monica," Wally greeted, then said "Hi there Sally," to the resident.

"It's easy," the resident said, acting like she was talking to herself,

"What is?" Monica asked,

"Making babies,"

Wally and Dick gave each other a wide-eyed look, while Monica blushed, avoiding eye contact with everyone and made straight for the dining room.

Wally, Blair, Cathy, and Dick followed suit. Upon entering, Wally caught sight of a woman with long, thick, snow white hair - "Hey, it's Darlene, our Snow Queen!"

Darlene smiled at him and said, "Honey I love your hair."

"Aw, well thanks! You like red hair?" Wally asked, like he'd had this conversation 100 times before. Later on, he tells Dick that actually, he had.

"I LOVE red hair," Darlene said to him, "And as soon as I get home I'm cutting this mane of mine short and dyeing it RED red _red_!"

"Can't wait to see it!" Wally told her, grinning.

Dick noticed a tall, bony, shrewd looking woman sitting in a wheelchair a few tables over. Brown hair was styled on top of her head, and she wore glasses while reading a newspaper. She seemed to give off an attitude of being critical of everything.

Looking up and seeing him, she beckoned him over with her hand.

As Dick approached, she asked, "You got a light?"

"What?" Dick said,

"I said do you have a light?"

"Even if we did, Jan, you know we wouldn't give it to ya, no smoking policy, remember?" Wally replied as he walked up to them.

"Hmph. Brat."

"So how you been doing, Jan?"

"Well, I've been thinking of taking a trip to Reno."

"Really? And do what there?"

"Drink 89 beers."

"Ah. So when you leaving?"

"Oh I was thinking maybe tonight."

"I see. Well, write me when you get there?"

"You have my assurance."

Her gaze fell on Dick, and she stated, "Seen you in the paper. For all that money you'd think you'd be able to comb your hair."

Bonnie walked by them; someone had changed her into nightclothes. Seeing this, Jan reprimanded her; "You don't wear pajamas in a bar, jackass!"

There was a clatter of something hitting the floor, and Darlene muttered, " _Shit_."

Wally went over to help clean it up, innocently asking her, "I didn't catch what you said there Darlene, what was it now?"

"Oh you heard me."

"No, I promise I didn't, could you repeat it for me?"

"You know what it was smarty-pants."

"It must have slipped by me,"

While Darlene and Wally bantered, Dick noticed Blair was upset again. She was telling Monica she just had to speak to her husband...

"And if he's been cheatin, I'm gonna cut off his dick and pickle it in a jar and stick it on a shelf so he knows exactly what he's missing!"

Tracy brought in a man hunched over his walker; he seemed to be hard of hearing.

"I'll bring you some coffee, Bill!" Tracy loudly told him.

"Okay, fine. How are you?" he asked her,

"I'm great!" she replied, from the small kitchenette.

"You're gay?!"

"No, I'm GREAT! I'm good,"

"You would what?"

He ended up seated near Jan, who demanded to be moved away from "This jackass".

It only took a moment for an argument to start.

"You're a lady?! You look like a man!" Bill exclaimed.

"Well at least my eyes don't go two different ways," Jan countered.

Biting her lip to not laugh, Tracy quickly moved Jan to a different spot.

Wally walked up to Dick, telling him, "We'd better get going. There are a lot of people you didn't get to see cause they were already in bed, since we came after supper, but we can come during the day next time? If you want to visit again?"

In the hallway, "Booooombs awaaaaaaaaaaayyy" was being yelled by Eric, while another alarm went off and call lights persisted.

"Dude," Dick said, "I would love to visit again."

Wally's face broke into a relieved grin. "Awesome. Let's say goodbye to these guys and then head home,"

After bidding the residents, Tracy, Monica, and the nurse Lyla goodnight, Dick and Wally headed towards the wing's exit. They passed Monica and Eric on the way out...

"Eric," she started, "It's time for bed."

"Is it really? Well I'll be a sonnovabitch."

"I'm going to take you to your room..."

"GET the hell awayfromme."

"Eric,"

"I said GET the hellouttahere."

"Eric,"

"You're Fired!"

* * *

 **So except for the 'seen you in the papers', these were ALL REAL QUOTES. Normally my stories aren't so...colorful... with language, but seeing as how this is a bunch of true encounters and personal experiences combined into one story, I decided to just go for it. Lol.**

 **I LOVE ELDERLY PEOPLE. SO. MUCH.**


End file.
